So sad about me..

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New Year, New Issues [16 Jan 2009|05:27pm]
[ mood | scared ]

Today I realized that I may never make it out of this fucking town. Along with that I realize I absolutely have no interest in my major, but I'm too fucking far into it to get out now. I graduate next semester, and I'm going into a profession that doesn't even feel worth it. I honestly don't know where to go from here.

I could do my internship outside of Tally, but that would mean leaving Matt behind. I can't stand the thought of that. I'll have 6 months left on this lease anyways by the time my internship comes around, so I'm pretty much stuck anyways. After graduation though I want to get the hell out of here, but I know Matt doesn't want to leave Jack behind. I'm not sure which is a bigger sacrfice, giving up Matt or giving up getting out of Florida..Tallahassee at that. I really need to figure this whole thing out before it gets to the point that I have no way out.

2 stood in the doorway - I'm not your star..

Damn it's been awhile. [16 Dec 2008|03:35pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Since the last post...

Matt and I are moving in together tomorrow.
My parents still don't know about Jack.
I'm a year out from graduating officially.
Tropical Smoothie and I are getting along for now.
Packing is killing me, so I'm taking a break.
I think I have to pee.
Matt loves me!
Tyler's leaving soon :(
I need more money.
I should finish packing sometime relatively soon.
I gots an iPhone!
Ummm, that's about it.

1 stood in the doorway - I'm not your star..

Bonfire, how I love you. [16 Oct 2008|05:44pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Last Saturday was the first bonfire of the year. It was amazing to say the least. Matt and I talked about the future. Which was weird for both of us. He said some things I never expected to hear from him, and now I'm even more excited about where this is going. I still have no clue where it's going, but it can't be a bad place. :)

Jack's birthday was Sunday, and Matt and I went over to Megan's for a get together. It was awkward, and ended badly...but I kinda expected it to be like that. We had our own little party for Jack last night. It was a lot better, but Jack got to bed late, so we'll see how that turns out once his mom picks him up today.

Started my job Monday. It's good so far. I'm so out of work ethic at this point it sucks, but I'll get back into it.

I'm currently sitting in my undies listening to Chris Brown and wondering when Matt is going to call me. He's been really excited to see me all week. I'm having such a great time seeing him act like I have since this thing started. :P My current goal is to figure out how seriously to consider trying to talk him into moving in together. I've mentioned it in passing and jokingly, so I have to actually ask him not too far into the future. I'd love the opportunity, but it's probably too soon. I need somewhere to go after December, so maybe the fact that he does too will make it possible. Lol. This thing is moving really fast, but I'm a speed junkie when it comes to love.

1 stood in the doorway - I'm not your star..

Serious post time. [08 Oct 2008|04:52pm]
I'm pretty sure I've fallen "in love" with Matt.
I know what you're thinking...
"This happens every time, and you're going to say it's different somehow."
Why yes, yes I am.
It's different every time.
And this time I actually started thinking about the future.
I want this to work.
Like in the long run.
Now all I have to do is not let him find out.
That sounds weird, but I'm pretty sure it'll scare him off.
I have this feeling like he would run.
I know I would.
I'm going to talk to Muzzy about all this sometime soon.
3 stood in the doorway - I'm not your star..

Let the Torturing Ensue [30 Sep 2008|05:55pm]
[ mood | restless ]

And if I could swim, I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating in the dark.
And if I was blessed, I'd walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving sunken chest.

'Cause they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams,
With your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you, and they gut you, and you give in..

And if I was brave, I'd climb up to you on the mountain,
They led you to drink from their fountain, spouting lies.
And I'd slay the horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission to your eyes.
And I'd stand there, like a soldier, with my foot upon his chest,
With my grin spread, and my arms out, in my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me, and remind you who you are.. under their shell...

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes
These soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue;
My soul is useless without you...

And if they send a whirlwind, I'd hug it like a harmless little tree
Or an earthquake, I'd calm it, and I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes,
these soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue
My soul is usless without you..
(through hell for you)
(through hell for you)
Without you, without you...
(through hell for you)
Without you
(through hell for you)

Now I've walked through hell for you
What's an adventurer to do,
But rest these feet at home with you?

I'm not your star..

I want this for my birthday! [29 Sep 2008|05:55pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

Yeah, they're pimp. Suck it.

I'm not your star..

Ah Shakespeare... [24 Sep 2008|06:11pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

"Love is not love,
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;"

Oh dear...I might be in trouble.

I'm not your star..

I want to know your fear from your feet to the back of your ears [11 Sep 2008|09:03pm]
[ mood | grumpy ]

I'm just writing real quick to keep this thing alive.

Matt and I are still together and going strong.
I've been listening to a hell of a lot of Say Anything lately.
I currently have no job.
I'm running out of money.
I am now the Beer Fairy!
Brian and I are cool...for now.
I'm working out and getting in shape.
School is killing me.
I love my life.

I'm not your star..

Answer me this [04 Aug 2008|03:24pm]
[ mood | Pretty ]

Why is it that I feel like I've gotten prettier since I've started dating Matt?

I really don't understand how a guy can make you think that you've gotten physically more attractive. Maybe it's because he's pretty himself. I don't know. Anyone have an answer for me?

I'm not your star..

First day in a new place. [02 Aug 2008|02:51pm]
[ mood | bored ]

So far I've been home alone.
I went ahead and got dressed and pretty so that he doesn't have to see me all gross yet.
I should get back to reading.
I should also get out of bed.
Saturday is my bed day though.
He's going to have to deal.

He's got Jack this weekend.
It hasn't been too bad,
but Jack was a little cranky last night.
Frank wants to hang at his new place tonight.
I think I might go even if Matt can't.
I'm not going to get into the habit of hindering myself because the guy I'm dating can't go out.
I learned that lesson with Brian.

I really need to stop playing with my ear.
It's not going to get any better if I don't.

I'm not your star..

Moving out [01 Aug 2008|03:22pm]
[ mood | excited ]

T-minus two hours to go until I move out.
I'm going to Matt's for two weeks.
Then onto my actual residence.
I'm so excited to live with Tyler!
I'm not sure what this whole living with Matt experience is going to bring.
It's exciting, and scary at the same time.
Make or break.
I think it will go fine though.
He said he "lurves" me.

Coheed on Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so excited!

I'm not your star..

Sweet Christ. [30 Jul 2008|03:17pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Today I realized that I'm always the guinea pig for other people's lives. Brian and I went to lunch, and he told me that he's glad we broke up in a way because it made him realize what was going on in his life. This isn't the first time someone has told me that I've made them figure something about themselves out. I don't want people to be using me to figure out their lives. That sounds weird, but I can't help but think that I'm not ever going to get anywhere if people keep using me to move ahead. I've got to get over it. It's my mission in life I guess. I'll learn to live with it now that I've figured it out. Lol, I used me to figure out something...oh dear.

Matt Todd, <3.
Yeah, that is all.

I'm not your star..

Something I found while packing. [28 Jul 2008|02:14pm]
"There's only somewhere between safe and free, and what people are. The only thing we can be is just human, and that ends up breaking our hearts. We all try so hard to be strong, or free, or safe, or whatever it is we think we need most...and in the end all we can ever be is just us. And it's enough because it has to be. There's not anything else."

That makes a ton of sense at any point in life. You can never be more than yourself, and you can't make yourself free, or safe, or happy. You just have to enjoy the ride, and hold on for the rough parts.
I'm not your star..

New favorite quote [22 Jul 2008|04:06pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

"I am made of blue sky and hard rock and I will live this way forever."

The song I'm listening to reminds me of Brian.
It kinda makes me sad.
Thank goodness, it went away.

I'm not your star..

Hey you. [21 Jul 2008|01:27am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

You know who this is about.
Go fuck yourself.
Seriously, get over it and stop posting Facebook statuses about it.
Although I am glad you decided not to post that note or whatever it was,
I'm still not going to partake in any aspect of your life from here on out.
I'm happy.
You're not.
Stop taking it out on me.
You did this to yourself.
Douche Bag.

I really should become a-sexual.
It would make life so much easier.

I'm not your star..

Vacation, boys, and booze [20 Jul 2008|01:48pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

I got home from family vacation yesterday, and I must say that this was one of the better years I've ever had. Spending most of the week drinking, and attempting to avoid Brian's constant texting and phone calls was pretty much the extent of everything. Aunt Dean's memorial service was on Thursday and I found it a lot harder than I thought I would. It's weird to think that that entire generation of my family is now gone forever. I spent most of my nights drinking myself silly to try and cope with the fact that Brian finally came around and wants me back. The thing is, I don't want this. I don't want this stress of trying to rethink my decision to get with Matt Todd. I really do like Matt Todd. I want to see where this new interest takes me. I don't want to be constantly looking over my shoulder to see if Brian's right behind me.

Brian came over yesterday to give one last attempt at trying to have me take him back. If we got back together I would have to put myself back in that box I was in before where I had to watch every little thing that I did in order for him to be successful. I'm not ready to grow up and settle down. I want to get out in the world and have fun while I still can. Brian doesn't seem to see that in order for us to be successful I'll have to change myself again to be with him. I'm not ready to go back to that.

I got home yesterday afternoon, and promptly hung out with Jacqui and Baker. Met Matt Todd later on for Rita's. Came back to my place for a while then ran straight off to dinner in Baker's car. Matt met us there as well with Jack in tow. Dinner was nice, and I split with Matt to go to the park with him and Jack after dinner. I ended up at Matt's all night. :) I don't know if I'm going to see him again today or not, but if not I'm still really happy I had a blast with him last night. He's got a pretty face that I don't mind waking up to.

Sorry Brian. I know you'll read this, but it's my journal and I get to write without fear of being judged for what I write.

I'm not your star..

Is it just me? [08 Jul 2008|12:49pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Brian seems to still be having issues with the fact that we're apart. He came by today to return my Eve 6 cd, and to give me a new copy of my In Keeping Secrets cd that he scratched up while we were dating. After waiting an hour for him to show up, he finally got here. He asked if he could come in, a harmless thing since all I was doing was cleaning my room up. He stood around and asked me general questions about life...I kept my answers real short. I asked him about trivia tonight, and I'm not sure if he's showing up. I don't know how it's going to go down if he and Matt Todd both show up. I don't know if Brian realizes Matt Todd and I are together of sorts. So after about 15 minutes or so I absolutely had to take a shower and get my day on the road, so I told him to go. He gave me a really long awkward might have only been awkward for me though. It just solidifies the fact that I'm over it. I can actually move on completely now. He was all "bleh" when I asked him to go, and he told he because it was still weird. I countered that with the fact that he wanted to come in (not bringing up the fact that on top of asking to come in, he also broke it off). I ended it there and shut the door.

After last night, I REALLY like Matt Todd. He gets so much better every time we hang out. I think I'm going to go over later tonight and chill for a bit after Jackson goes to bed. I'll figure it all out once he calls me after he gets off work. He's been after me to stay over for the past few nights, but I'm not use to people wanting me to stay over when they have to get up early the next day. I feel weird staying over when he's got work the day at the ass-crack of dawn. Maybe I'll stay tonight. I really want to, but I feel like I'd be inconveniencing him by staying. I've got to get over all that. The boy keeps himself out late to see me most nights, so I think I can stay over. At this point, I'm not sure where this whole crazy thing is going. I like it though.

I'm not your star..

Matt Todd [02 Jul 2008|05:48pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

Okay, so seriously....I didn't expect him to actually take interest in me.
I wonder if he really does have an interest in me.
I was just his birthday date two days ago.
I'm not sure where this is going, but he does everything perfectly.
A bonus gift included, but I can handle that.
I can't decide what to feel.
Last night was absolutely amazing though.
I'd like to feel like that all the time.
I like feeling special.
I wonder how this is all going to turn out.

Caution is the name of this new game.
I refuse to let my guard down.
I will not be caught unaware that something is wrong.
Crying is for pansies.

2 stood in the doorway - I'm not your star..

In all honesty [27 Jun 2008|01:21am]
[ mood | calm ]

It's going to take one hell of an act of love if Brian ever wants to get back with me.
My trust and patience are gone.
Our conversations got nowhere.
And what his mother said was probably the last straw.

If you still read this, let me know.
I want to know how you feel.
Not that you're sorry.

I'm not your star..

All cried out. [21 Jun 2008|12:16pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I wish that was true. I can't stop, and I feel absolutely terrible. All I want is for Brian to call and tell me to come home, but I know that's not going to happen. He's made up his mind. Now I just have to see what life has in store for me from here.

I'm not your star..

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